I Swore To Him
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: Heavy spoilers for chapter eighty-one. "I swore to him...!" It was as if it was the only thing he could say. Agonizing and deep despair almost destroyed Levi. The blood coating his face, almost leaving him without a place where there was no blood, as his eyes stared in despair at the scene unfolding before him.
I felt the story was somewhat lacking, but I haven't been writing in about a year. Tell me your thoughts please!

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" _I…swore to him."_

 _"Wait…I swore to him…that I would kill you no matter what."_

 _"I…swore to him!"_

As if everything had gone from this world.

As if only one thing mattered.

Erwin.

 _If I can save one person…one person…_

In the losing sanity of Levi's mind, he thought of the one time he had seen Erwin smile like that; it was only a memory; with an unguarded face the peace and serenity that Levi had frankly expected to never see. He thought of it then, with his blade stuck in the bastard Beast Titan's face, sticking through his left eye, and desperation, _naked_ desperation clouded in his mind until he felt like screaming.

It was as if nothing else mattered. The only thought that echoed in agony in Levi's mind was the thought that Erwin could still be alive. He could _save_ him.

 _I…swore to him._ Levi couldn't kill the Beast Titan. Not yet. Not while the Titan-shifter was still wounded, while he could still _save_ someone. Even at the thought of the numerous splayed bodies on the ground with blood and guts staining the grass with the horses dead with them, it seemed inconceivable that Erwin could be dead.

It was as if life had truly stopped when amidst his feverish ramblings, the Beast Titan was snatched away. Levi's breath stilled at the sight of the Titan running away with the Titan-shifter in its mouth, his eyes unable to comprehend what he was seeing until he heard the Beast Titan call for his death.

The more time he wasted against those Titans, the more time slipped away from saving Erwin. The one thing that could have allowed Levi to do that was becoming farther and farther away from him. _"Wait…"_ he had called. If he had been collected, been able to realize what a fucked-up situation he was in now, perhaps he would have realized how _small_ his voice sounded. Small, almost like a child. Even as a child though, he hadn't felt so weak. Never. _"I swore to him…that I would kill you no matter what."_ The blades felt heavy in his hands. They were his last pair. Once they were gone…

Levi didn't think of what would happen if his blades dulled. He knew what would happen.

 _"I swore to him…!"_ he shouted.

It was as if it was the only thing he could say. Agonizing and deep despair almost destroyed Levi. The blood coating his face, almost leaving him without a place where there was no blood, as his eyes stared in despair at the scene unfolding before him.

The only thing that would bind his sanity together was...a promise.

A promise…made under shadows of death.

Everything that had made his life meaning could be dead if Erwin was no longer breathing. The deathly grip of despair as the blood continued to stain across his face echoed in his mind, remembering the times when he had felt despair like this. When his mother had slowly died from a disease, her body becoming weaker and weaker as Levi attempted to care for her. He remembered her weak smile, her raven hair that he inherited from her white as she tried to whisper something to him. He didn't know what she said. Her body had laid in the bed she that had given birth to him for days. There were times when Levi thought her heard her laughter, light and gentle, as if they were alone together again, just the two of them and lying by each other's side. The hunger and dehydration that had plagued him made him realize, even as a child, he was going to die. No one came to check on his mother when she was sick; no one cared. No one would care if she died, or if her brat died with her. The long hair his mother once praised as soft was now filthy, his legs and arms barely sticks, and he hadn't moved from his mother's bedside in days. Even then…Levi had felt despair.

During the time when he was with Kenny, after the man had found his mother dead and him almost dead as well, Levi was taught many things. How to survive. How to live in the world they lived in, that his mother desperately tried to shield him from the now-laughable safety of small room they once shared in the Underground brothel. Kenny had taught him all that he knew. It was only when Kenny was gone, that suddenly he was walking away after beating a man twice his size as a pulp, that the man who had been the only father-figure he had abandoned him. Levi had felt not only despair then. As a child, only two years after his mother's death, he began to realize his anger. He was angry at Kenny. He didn't understand why Kenny had abandoned him. Why, after wanting to impress him with his newfound strength, he had been abandoned by the only surviving parental figure he had.

The deaths of Isabel and Farlan had almost destroyed him. Although most would not be able to see it, Levi had been breaking into small pieces every day went by without his two friends by his side. His… _family._ They had been more than his friends. Levi had found Isabel dying among the dead and the filth in garbage. Although a part him whispered that he just let the girl die, Levi couldn't allow that. Perhaps it was sentiment. Perhaps it was because Levi was finding another dying young child the same way Kenny found him. Levi was annoyed by her at first; always calling him "'brother'' and following him around, always begging him not to leave her. Eventually Levi got so annoyed that he ultimately agreed, allowing the young girl named Isabel Magnolia to stay. He would forget, even in the depths of hell he was in now, remember Isabel's embrace.

It was warm and soft, the love that Levi could feel almost choking him. He didn't understand why Isabel cared about him so much. The same way why later, he allowed a member from a rival gang who once wanted to beat him join their group. Farlan had provided the balance between Isabel's cheerfulness and Levi's stotic silence. And it seemed that the man knew what Levi was thinking, before Levi even knew himself. And yet Farlan trusted him. He trusted him enough that he allowed to complete their mission alone on their first expedition, in the cold dark rain. Their deaths would always haunt Levi's mind. There were times, when, after the blood-soaked day with the sight of Isabel's severed head and the repeated scene of him cutting into the Titan's stomach to find that Farlan was already dead, that he could not sleep. Otherwise the entire barrack would wake to half-muffled screams. Levi's heart had been torn out of him. He had nothing to hold onto back then. A part of him, only a small part, only stayed in the Survey Corps because he had nowhere else to go. Erwin's words had been pretty…and they had convinced him that he was needed…but what was his true purpose? It was only later, that Levi realized that his entire purpose was to make certain that Isabel's and Farlan's deaths hadn't been in vain.

Although time had passed, Levi knew in his heart that he would never be able to forgive himself for what happened that night. Although he had told those words to Eren, the words about not knowing the correct choice until it had been made, he himself had so many regrets.

And his squad. His loyal squad who would do anything for him, died the day he was supposed to protect them. His comrades… Their faces never left his mind. His squads' bodies, blood surrounding them, half-eaten, broken, dangled. Petra, her spine broken and hey eyes dead as he looked into her eyes. Levi never thought he would bond with anyone after Isabel's and Farlan's deaths. Somehow though, he began to realize as the years passed as a member of the Survey Corps, that he was unable to not get attached. The comrades who had faith in him…and the comrades whom Levi knew by name but would not speak burned in his agonized mind. The closest person he would find to understanding him was Erwin Smith.

And a commander that he would do anything for.

The person who made him realize that he was more than he was, and gave him a _reason_ to continue to live.

A person, a former enemy who he wished to kill, who became his friend.

Levi remembered that day, being forced to Erwin's knees when they first met. At the moment of their promise, Levi had not been forced to his knees. He chose to to.

Out of the devotion he had for this one man who he was trying to save.

The only thing Levi had left was a promise.

The only reason why he wasn't falling apart, dying inside and not waking up into the hell he once knew as home.

That was the only reason why Levi was still here, breathing.

 _I promise you…Erwin…_ Levi thought through ragged breaths as he held the two lone blades in his hands, _whatever happens, I will defeat the Beast Titan…and fulfill what I…_

 _…Swore to you._


End file.
